Well it is 4 days til the 2nd anniversary of Alex’s homecoming. The past two years have been interesting to say the least. How can two years have flown by so fast and yet seem like the slowest sands through the hourglass?
As I have been mourning recently I have been blessed to speak with lots of wonderful people. As I have been battered through this period I realized that I have been clinging to my faith. I have heard so many say “It is so good you have your faith.” Well I am just like everyone else feeling like I don’t have even a mustard seed of faith. Then I also realize that as I have been battered I am clinging to this rock as the waves pound over me.
I began to get that image in my head. Me in the middle of an ocean of pain, strife, grief, anger, and despair. As I am drowning I am holding on to the sustainable rock. The rock doesn’t move, doesn’t give in, and doesn’t back down. My hands are cut, and bloodied from holding on to this rock but it is all I have to keep me alive.
That is God to me right now. I hurt so deep that words couldn’t explain the magnitude. My heart has been shattered into so many pieces you couldn’t possible put it back together. Like a broken plate that can’t be repair it just needs to be thrown away. And even though I hurt I cling to this rock. I don’t know how to not cling to this rock.
I have read my bible several times. Do I know it all? NO not even close but there are passages that I hold in my soul and mind. I cling to these words. I know that either God tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Or he is a liar. There is no in between. He can’t be truthful some of the time. It’s either all or nothing. So I believe his word.
I know lots of people in tough times cling to Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And I love that scripture too. I have been holding on to that rock knowing that God has a plan. I don’t understand the plan. I wish that this wasn’t his plan. I would rather have my daughter in my arms. To see how tall she has become. To hear her speak of boys as she is getting ready for her 7th grade dance. I wish for so many things like that but I know God has a plan for me. She has the easy part. She is with him and knows the plan. I am the one down here having to suffer through with it. But Jeremiah 29:11 isn’t all of the scripture. There is more:
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
I don’t know if over the past two years if I have sought him diligently with all my heart 20% of the time but I know I have some. I know I have stomped my feet and shook my fist at him too. But I also know that I am holding on with everything I am to his promise.
I am clinging to faith. I am clinging to God. For I know I am nothing without him. I can do nothing without him. I need him.
Father I know I am impatient. I know I am not where you want me to be but please continue to point me in the direction I am supposed to go. Thank you for giving Alex to me for the time I had her. Help my heart to heal. Help Matt to heal as well. Please hold our family in your hands. Please allow us to be transparent enough for you to shine through.