Life After. . .

To say this year has been interesting is an understatement. Most folks would say this year was hard, difficult, challenging or even bad. I say the year was interesting because it has been a place I didn’t know I would have to go.
When Carl was diagnosed with Autism in 2003 I read an article trying to describe autism to a person with no idea of what autism is and how it affects you. The article described it this way (I’m paraphrasing).
You have planned a trip to France. You have learned French, you have studied the maps of France, you know where you are going to go, how to get there and what sites you are going to see. You pack your bags; you have everything you need for the trip. You board the plane but when you land you are not in France you are in Argentina.
Argentina is nice and all but you have no clue of where you are, or where to go, what to see, how to speak the language or even if you are properly equipped to be in Argentina.
That is what this year has been like.
Most people have said “You are so strong” “You have touched so many lives” “I don’t know how you do it”. Well there is one answer to all those statements: JESUS!!!
When you hear the pastor’s say you must become less so he can become more. This is what they speak of. When people say those things to me I am thankful that they see that but each time I pray “Father God please allow them to see who you truly are! Not me! I am nothing without you and I know that I can do nothing without you!” I am not strong but God is! I have not saved one person but God has and if he has chosen to use me then I am the better for it! And I can’t tell God thank you enough for allowing this broken woman to fulfill his purpose!
I know lots of people who didn’t make it after the loss of a loved one but I also know lots of people who have made it. The crucial element is JESUS!!! In the past year there have been times where I have broken down. They have come at inconvenient times, messy times, down right wrong times. They have come when I had to be broken down in front of others. BUT it also shows that it is NOT ME but HIM that lives in me that keeps me going.
I didn’t know that I had to live my life through the death of a child. There are days I wish I could change it but on those days I know I am being selfish and Alex would not want to come back here after sitting with our Lord!
I also wouldn’t say our year has been bad. We have had some bumps but overall we have had some amazing experiences as well. Today September 20, 2009 I was allowed the amazing pleasure of watching my baby chose to follow Christ!!!

What an extreme pleasure that Lord allowed me to experience!! I have gotten to see all three of my children choose to follow Christ. I don’t think I could have asked for a better gift. It is one thing to give birth to a child but to give them back to the Lord is a completely different experience. Words can not express the joy, love, peace, amazement, and thrill that you feel watching this moment.

So is there Life After? Yes there is life after. Yes there was life before but what an amazing life we get to live when we live it all out for Him!!!

Pain - By Dee

How many of us live our lives in the perpetual evasion of pain?? I would say ALL OF US, Why?CAUSE PAIN HURTS!!! Right!?!

How many of us search out pain? Most of us don’t really even think about avoiding pain but how many times have you thought “Oh if I could win the lottery my life would be perfect!” We know that God wants to use us and we like the idea of God using us but the practical application isn’t always as easy. We have been told God doesn’t care about our comfort he cares about our character but what does that really mean?? We know that in the bible it says:

Matthew 6:26 - Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? So are we getting conflicting messages from God. NO! He loves us and wants to use each and every one of us but we can be self focused. It is hard to put your eyes on God when the house payment is late or the electricity is going to be cut off. But that is the place he wants us to grow to.

Today is the one year anniversary of Alexandra’s passing. As I reflect on this year, I have had some great experiences and there have been some really bad moments as well. One of the things that I have thought about and prayed over was the day of the accident. When the accident happened the first thing I did was pray. I was praying out loud. Not a silent one, under my breath but a loud declaration to the Lord. I yelled out “You are the Great Physician and you can heal my child.” All of this was before I even had a chance to see Alex. When I finally did get to see her I knew that God has chosen to take my beautiful daughter. At that moment I began to thank the Lord for my Alex and saying I love you. I think it may have been a cross between a heart-felt thanks and a pleading for him to give me back my child.

Over this past year I have developed an amazing relationship with Jesus and I know that this is just the beginning. I have LOTS of work to do to keep this relationship functioning properly and keep me growing the way I am supposed to.

Before Alex passed I was completely self focused. We saw today that at some point in our lives we think we are the center of the universe. And I can say now that I MUST decrease while he increases. I do not think (by any stretch of my imagination) that I have become completely God focused. That is what I am working on.

So what does this have to do with pain? Well pain is a great vehicle. It may not be the most comfortable ride but it will get you to the place God wants you! I started thinking about the pain we have seen in our life times or the pain we have been told about and how it effects us. As most of us avoid pain what would have happened if Mary had avoided the pain she went through to have Jesus? And of course what if Jesus had avoided the pain he endured for each of us? WHERE WOULD WE BE??? Lost and even more desperate than where we are now!!

So while we are always trying to avoid pain maybe it’s time we rethink this path. Maybe instead of “Oh God! Why ME!” Maybe it’s time we say “ok Lord I may not understand but I trust you.” “Show me what I am supposed to learn from this”. You may just learn that God has a completely different direction for you. I know that this isn’t the direction I envisioned for my life but I also know that I trust God. He loves me! Not only that but he LOVES MY DAUGHTER!!! And He only has what’s best for all of us at heart. I may not see how losing Alex is the best but I trust him. I know he brought her home when it was the most merciful for her.

As I sit here I am beyond thankful for 10 years, 6 weeks and 2 glorious days that I got to share with the most beautiful little girl!!! I cannot wait until I get to see her again. I am thankful for an absolutely amazing bunch of folks who make up Southbrook Church. You guys have loved on us, encouraged us, and stood besides us this whole time!!


I was blessed by one of the Amazing Southbrook folks. Denise Covert gave me a heartfelt image of Alex that I had not thought of before. I know that when God chooses to call me home not only will I be ready to gaze at his face but I will get to see my sweet girl jumping up and down waving her arms welcoming me home! Until that time whenever I am in need of comfort from the pain I will not only ask Jesus “What do I need to do for you Lord?” But I will also run to him just like this and ask for him to give me peace when I need it.

Overwhelmed!?! - By Dee

Why is it that when you are down everything seems to get piled on at once? Does that happen in your life? You may start out your day with that small self doubting whisper but by lunch it is a full-on personal assault! What I am fighting right now is learning how to stop my racing mind!! Are you in the same boat with me? I am my own worst critic. Either I’m too fat, or too loud, or too nice, or too silly, or too soft or too hard, or too whatever!!??!! Why is it so easy to beat ourselves up? Why would you say such ugly hateful things to yourself? Can you see you saying these things to your children, or your spouse? NO of course not then why is it ok to say these things to yourself!

I am really starting to see a trend in my life. Satan knows that I am hardest on myself so it will start with a small something. Just something for him to whisper in my ear about. Then comes the next thing and a third or a forth or a fifth. By the time he is done I am in full on panic mode and ready to run screaming into the hills. I am learning how to quiet my mind. We all know the "rules" we place on ourselves. I’m going to read my bible today for 30 minutes and we try to squeeze it in the 5 minutes before we fall asleep. Well I have been reading, praying and contemplating the time when Jesus was in the desert and Satan threw a whole bunch of those small whispers at Him. Instead of letting them pile up Jesus took care of them one at a time. He fought them off with scripture. So I have been trying to do that. The hard part when I have started this is to recognize when it is Satan. I have taken time to be with my boys while I work part time. It hasn’t been great on our budget. That is one thing that Satan has been whispering in my ear about and I am sure with the economy the way that it is he isn’t just whispering in my ear. So on a pay day I sit down to pay all the bills, this is when the whispering starts. That is when I take 30 seconds to combat this thought.

(Deep Breath in), My Father supplies all of my needs according to his riches and glory.

Matthew 6:25-34
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And as that thought or attack wanes or passes someone that I have been working with calls me to say they don’t want to work with me anymore. I wish them all the blessings I can and when they call me a name and hang up on me, I begin to laugh because I know this person doesn’t know me and the name they called me is so off base. Then that whispering comes in. "Are you sure they aren’t right about you?" NO! I KNOW THEY ARE NOT RIGHT ABOUT ME!

Psalm 139:13 I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

As that passes Satan throws Alex’s accident in my face. I knew as soon as that came up that it was from him. Why?? Because I wouldn’t let these other things bother me he had to use my rawest emotion right now. Now when he uses Alex it is one of the hardest things for me to fight. I will catch myself balling my hands into fists. When I see this in myself I have to remind myself of what a true friend said to me. God has every right to change my life in anyway he sees fit to bring him greater glory! I know that the Lord has a plan and I so desperately want to follow the plan he has for my life!!! I want to be who he created me to be so I can shine his glory everywhere! So I do my best to ward off the attacks. I am still my own worst critic but I now can see when it is coming from outside, from those small whispers.

It is now starting to bleed over into my marriage too! The whispers that cause those arguments are when my husband doesn’t understand what I am saying or we hear something completely differently than what the other person said. I am starting to be able to see when those whispers are causing problems between my husband and I. So instead of getting overwhelmed try using those little bible verses you remember or turn on some Christian music or listen to an inspirational CD, or radio station (or better yet Sara Scott’s new CD) and allow God to envelope you in a his love. It’s impossible for those whispers to continue when he is sitting there with you, however, that is one of His greatest promises, that He will always be there with you!